Funny Quotes

577 Funny Quotes: Largest Library With Amazing Collections




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I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright


Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. Spanish proverb


When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield


Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something. Mitch Hedberg


Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.


I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. Mitch Hedberg


The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. Bill Murray


I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. Steven Wright


A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. Steven Wright


I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin


This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. Oscar Wilde


Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain


If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld


Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. Bill Murray


Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. Billy Sunday


Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright. Laurell K. Hamilton


I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Mark Twain


A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Winston S. Churchill


When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. Cathy Guisewite


Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. Ellen DeGeneres


It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.







Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. Will Rogers


I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield


That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin


If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. Lawrence Ferlinghetti


A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. George Bernard Shaw


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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen


If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Steven Wright


The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. Gore Vidal


My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers. Jimmy Carter (US president 1977 to 1981)


The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. Albert Einstein


The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. Mark Twain


Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. Golda Meir


When nothing is going right, go left.


Reality continues to ruin my life. Bill Watterson


Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller


Never miss a good chance to shut up. Will Rogers


Sane is boring. R.A. Salvatore


I’m addicted to placebos. Steven Wright


I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money. Pablo Picasso


Puns are the highest form of literature. Alfred Hitchcock


Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard


All generalizations are false, including this one. Mark Twain


What’s another word for Thesaurus? Steven Wright


If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower. Mitch Hedberg


Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.


What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’?


I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.


My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. Unknown


I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.


Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and you make bad decisions.


I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head. Steven Wright


I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. Steven Wright


I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose. Steven Wright


I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early. Jack Benny


I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror. Danny Zuker


Finally my winter fat is done. Now I have spring rolls.


Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face.


My brain has too many tabs open.


I don’t even believe myself when I say I’ll be ready in 5 minutes.


Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good. Beth McCollister


I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Rodney Dangerfield


I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield


My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. Rodney Dangerfield


I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield


If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. Abraham Lincoln


You’re only as good as your last haircut. Fran Lebowitz


My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg


I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. Mitch Hedberg


I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people. Mitch Hedberg


What a nice night for an evening. Steven Wright


I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.


Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? Steven Wright


I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there. Steven Wright


I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Steven Wright


Am I perfect? No. But am I striving to be a better person every day? Also no.


Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.


It’s only because of their stupidity that they’re able to be so sure of themselves. Franz Kafka


Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up? All the time. Wendy Mass


A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.


As your best friend I’ll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.


Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.


Please cancel my subscriptions to your issues.


If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape.


I’m not arguing. I’m simply explaining why I’m right.


Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway. Greg Tamblyn


If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Henny Youngman


There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate. Linda Grayson


Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty. Sicilian Proverb


It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. Ralph Waldo Emerson


If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.






All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Casey Stengel


A child educated only at school is an uneducated child. George Santayana


The happier we get, the less we see. Asian Kid


You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go. Bill Watterson


Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school. Albert Einstein


In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson. Tom Bodett


Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. Abe Lemons


Education can get you the only thing that really matters in today’s world – an assigned parking space. Gene Perret


It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows. Epictetus


No wonder the teacher knows so much; she has the book. Edgar Watson Howe


Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance. Will Durant


People learn something every day, and a lot of times it’s that what they learned the day before was wrong. Bill Vaughan


Work hard, nap hard. Demi Lovato


The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn’t stop until you get to school. Milton Berle


When a teacher calls a boy by his entire name, it means trouble. Mark Twain


School is learning things you don’t want to know, surrounded by people you wish you didn’t know, while working toward a future you don’t know will ever come. Dave Kellett


The most important thing we learn at school is the fact that the most important things can’t be learned at school. Haruki Murakami


I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know. Bill Watterson


Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Mark Twain


A boss on vacation is the most cost effective measure. Everybody in the office has a vacation at the cost of one. Thibaut


There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. Henry Kissinger


Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. George Carlin


Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Mark Twain


The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management. Scott Adams


Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys. Polish Proverb


If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses. Henry Ford


The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. Stanley Randall


Sorry for being late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.


I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.


I’m sorry. I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.


If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. George Bernard Shaw


Don’t yell at your kids! Lean in real close and whisper, it’s much scarier.


Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night. Rebecca Romijn


The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable. Lane Olinghouse


The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Oscar Wilde


Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. Jules Renard


Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born and start using sleep deprivation to torture you. Ray Romano


I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or the acting like you know what you’re doing. Jim Gaffigan


It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish. Carrie Underwood


When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you. Nora Ephron


Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family. Chelsea Handler


My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.


Toddler: Emotionally unstable pint-sized dictator with the uncanny ability to know exactly how far to push you towards utter insanity before reverting to a loveable creature.


I never know what to say when people ask me what my hobbies are. I mean, I’m a mom.


If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something. Fran Lebowitz


My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield


What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. Rodney Dangerfield


I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield


Marriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence. Rodney Dangerfield


Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed. Albert Einstein


I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner


My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor. Elayne Boosler


My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning. Ray Romano


Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. Jackie Mason


Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Oscar Wilde


Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious; both are disappointed. Oscar Wilde


A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears. Woodrow Wyatt


Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping. Oscar Wilde


A woman’s mind is cleaner that a man’s; She changes it more often. Oliver Herford


I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that. Mitch Hedberg


Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make men stupid. Dave Barry


Feminine intuition is a fiction and a fraud. It is nonsensical, illogical, emotional, ridiculous, and practically foolproof. Harry Haenigsen


The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. Milton Berle


When my wife says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and write a poem on the moon before we go. Mike Vanatta


God made Adam first because he didn’t want any advice from Eve how to make Adam.


There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. P. J. O’Rourke


Women give us solace, but if it were not for women we would never need solace. Don Herold


America is a land where men govern, but women rule. John Mason Brown


When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason. Molly McGee


Men are like a deck of cards. You’ll find the occasional king, but most are jacks. Laura Swenson


Coffee, chocolate, men. The richer the better!


A man in love is like a clipped coupon – it’s time to cash in. Mae West


A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. Brendan Francis


The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything. Friedrich Nietzsche




You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself. Ethel Barrymore


If people never did silly things nothing intelligent would ever get done. Ludwig Wittgenstein


Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain. Edward de Bono


The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven. Mark Twain


I like nonsense. It wakes up the brain cells. Dr. Seuss


When people are laughing, they’re generally not killing each other. Alan Alda


Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage. Erma Bombeck


And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh. Friedrich Nietzsche


Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly; devils fall because of their gravity. G.K. Chesterton


My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world. George Bernard Shaw


Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment. Greenville Kleisser


Jokes of the proper kind, properly told, can do more to enlighten questions of politics, philosophy, and literature than any number of dull arguments. Isaac Asimov


Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility. James Thurber


Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost. James Thurber


Humor is a universal language. Joel Goodman


I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.


I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. Steven Wright


Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’ Steven Wright


A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Steven Wright


People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise. Bill Murray




There are only three things women need in life: food, water and compliments. Chris Rock


I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. Chris Rock


If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty. Chris Rock


You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years. Chris Rock


If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you’re ahead of the game. Chris Rock


Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do. Chris Rock


What the fuck do women want? I know what you want: everything. Chris Rock


You know you must be doing something right if old people like you. Dave Chappelle


Fame for me is like a place, a country I’m taking a tour through. Dave Chappelle



The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone’s advice. Eddie Murphy


I’m sadistic. I go to the supermarkets to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids. Eddie Murphy


If you have a flop movie, so what? And if you have a hit movie, it’s ‘so what,’ too – it’s on to the next movie. Eddie Murphy


White people can’t dance. I’m not being racist; it’s true. Just like when white people say black people have big lips, it’s not racist; it’s true. Black people have big lips, white people can’t dance. Some brothers will be in the club and white people are like, “What are those niggers doing in here?” They watchin’ y’all dance. And they’re like, “Look at these crazy muthaf***as.” Y’all be stepping on people’s feet and hitting one another. Eddie Murphy


Mick Jagger’s lips’ so big, black people be going, “You got some big-ass lips!”. Eddie Murphy


Accept who you are, unless you’re a serial killer. Ellen DeGeneres


People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant. Ellen DeGeneres







Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that. Ellen DeGeneres


Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days. Ellen DeGeneres


Why don’t they give us things we can actually use? I don’t need a thinner phone. You know what I need? I need to tortilla chip that can support the weight of guacamole. Ellen DeGeneres


My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada. Ellen DeGeneres


Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things. George Carlin


Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. George Carlin


Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin


When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat. George Carlin


Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. George Carlin


Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. George Carlin


Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. George Carlin


Try explaining Hitler to a kid. George Carlin


Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women. Groucho Marx


Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read. Groucho Marx


I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. Groucho Marx


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When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’. Groucho Marx


From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. Groucho Marx


The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. Groucho Marx


Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well I have others. Groucho Marx


I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of that. Groucho Marx




A two-year old is kind of like a blender, but you don’t have any top for it. Jerry Seinfeld


It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. Jerry Seinfeld


What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked. Jerry Seinfeld


You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out’. Jerry Seinfeld


Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. Jerry Seinfeld




Behing every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey


You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music. Jim Carrey


I don’t want to be a vampire. I’m a day person. Jim Carrey


Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass. Jim Carrey


Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I’d have an excuse. Jimmy Fallon


If you’re a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don’t have a choice. Jimmy Fallon


New Scientist magazine reported that in the future, cars could be powered by hazelnuts. That’s encouraging, considering an eight-ounce jar of hazelnuts costs about nine dollars. Yeah, I’ve got an idea for a car that runs on bald eagle heads and Faberge eggs. Jimmy Fallon


I want to be a dad. That’s floating to the top of my list. I think it’s such an important thing. I’m at the age where everyone has kids, and I ask them, ‘Is it like a puppy?’ And they go, ‘It’s 10 times a puppy.’ Jimmy Fallon


I’m going to North Pole to help out Santa this year. Jimmy Fallon


I don’t even read the papers. I read ‘USA Today’ because it has color photos. Jimmy Fallon


I wanted to be a Priest at one point. I was pretty religious. I was an altar boy, and I was good at it. Then, I started meeting girls and I’m like ‘You know, maybe I shouldn’t be a Priest.’ Jimmy Fallon


Honestly, I just want to keep people awake. Or at least give you one joke to go to bed with. Jimmy Fallon


Thank you, Apple, for adding a camera to the iPod Nano. Now it’s just like the iPhone except it can’t make calls. So basically, it’s just like the iPhone. Jimmy Fallon


Thank you, horseradish, for being neither a radish nor a horse. What you are is a liar food. Jimmy Fallon


Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck. Jimmy Fallon


I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. Jon Stewart


If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us? Jon Stewart


I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance. Jon Stewart


If ‘con’ is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress? Or did we just f*cking blow your mind!? Jon Stewart


It doesn’t make it a gotcha question just because it got ya. Jon Stewart


These glasses are way 2 big for my damn face! I look like I got on a damn tinted construction mask. Kevin Hart


I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like ! It was born 15 minutes ago it looks like a potato. Kevin Hart


Marriage is a 24 hour job. You get married, you’re no longer an individual. You can’t do nothing by yourself when you get married. Everything is a team effort. ‘Us’, ‘we’, ‘let’s’, honey, come on partner. You can’t do nothing by yourself. Kevin: Baby I’m gonna be right back I’m going to the store. Wife: Well, wait, let me get my coat. Kevin: Bit__, it’s right there on the corner. I just wanna get some chips. I ain’t going to sleep with nobody. Kevin Hart (Video)


First off, my kids know I’m a big deal. Kevin Hart (Video)


If I still cannot hear what you have to say after you have repeated it three times, I will just laugh and hope it was not a question. Kevin Hart




Your phone doesn’t suck. Your life sucks around the phone. Louis C.K.


Boys fuck things up. Girls are fucked up. Louis C.K.


There are two types of people in the world: People who say they pee in the shower and dirty fucking liars. Louis C.K.


“Fuck it.” That’s really the attitude that’s keeps a family together. It’s not “We love each other!” It’s “Fuck it.” Louis C.K.


Don’t text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don’t keep telling people what you’re doing. Also it lights up your big dumb face. Louis C.K.


I definitely look at my body and I go ‘yuck’. Louis C.K.


Of course, if you are fighting for your country and get shot or hurt, it is a terrible tragedy. But maybe, if you get shot by the dude you were shooting at, it’s a tiny bit your fault. Louis C.K.


Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house. Louis C.K.




Just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re right. Ricky Gervais


You won’t burn in hell. But be nice anyway. Ricky Gervais


I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Ricky Gervais


The best advice I’ve ever received is, ‘No one else knows what they’re doing either’. Ricky Gervais


My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela. What a man. Incarcerated for 25 years, he was released in 1990 and he hasn’t reoffended. I think he’s going straight, which shows you prison does work. Ricky Gervais


Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others. The same applies when you are stupid. Ricky Gervais


Mondays are fine. It’s your life that sucks. Ricky Gervais




I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. Robin Williams


Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? Robin Williams


See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. Robin Williams


Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose. Robin Williams


If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. Robin Williams


Ah, yes, divorce… from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. Robin Williams




What would you say to your barber? I’m really protective of my penis. Which haircut will make sure it never meets anyone? Ryan Reynolds


Anyone know the number to 911? Ryan Reynolds


Airplane toilets are aggressive. It wasn’t until I got back to my seat that I noticed my pants and testicles were missing. Ryan Reynolds


Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her. Ryan Reynolds


Bob Ross is very calming. 5 min into this show, it feels like you’ve been fucked to death by a thousand pillows. Ryan Reynolds


People in LA are deathly afraid of gluten. I swear to god, you could rob a liquor store in this city with a bagel. Ryan Reynolds


If you find me, please let me know where the hell I’ve been. Ryan Reynolds


We’re not kissing. We’re feeding each other like baby birds. Ryan Reynolds




Don’t cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it’ll be free yogurt. Stephen Colbert


Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans. Stephen Colbert


Contrary to what people may say, there’s no upper limit on stupidity. Stephen Colbert


The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. Stephen Colbert


Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes. Stephen Colbert


Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires. Stephen Colbert


There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good. Stephen Colbert




Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. Steve Martin


I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. Steve Martin


We’ve had some fun tonight…considering we’re all gonna die someday. Steve Martin


Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and have his shoes. Steve Martin


I was deeply unhappy, but I didn’t know it because I was so happy all the time. Steve Martin


Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is. Steve Martin


You know what your problem is, it’s that you haven’t seen enough movies – all of life’s riddles are answered in the movies. Steve Martin


First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. Steve Martin


A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin


Be so good they can’t ignore you. Steve Martin




Nothing is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet. Tina Fey


I say if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone. Tina Fey


Blorft’ is an adjective I just made up that means completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum. I have been Blorft every day for the past seven years. Tina Fey


Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion. Tina Fey


If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs. Tina Fey


A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who’s boss. Tina Fey


What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do. Tina Fey




If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. Woody Allen


I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government. Woody Allen


I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen


Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem. Woody Allen


I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. Woody Allen


Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television. Woody Allen


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The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it. Woody Allen


Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. Woody Allen


Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with. Woody Allen


Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing. Woody Allen




The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means. Zach Galifianakis


I think those neighborhood signs that say ‘slow children playing’ are so very mean. Zach Galifianakis


I failed kindergarten because I couldn’t spell my last name. Zach Galifianakis


When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria – not necessarily by choice – but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren’t there. Zach Galifianakis


My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron…and a lot like Patrick Ewing. Zach Galifianakis


I like to read the Bible in public places so people are watching me read it. I like just to murmur out to myself, ‘Oh bullshit’. Zach Galifianakis


I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, ‘Dude, Where’s My Spaceship.’ Zach Galifianakis


I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock. Zach Galifianakis


Zach, To Brad Pitt: Is it hard for you to maintain a suntan? Brad: Why? Zack: Because you live in your wife’s shadow (Angelina Jolie in 2014).  Zach Galifianakis (Video)




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