John Mulaney Quotes

198 John Mulaney Quotes

John Mulaney Funny Quotes

 

“I always thought that quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be. You watch cartoons and quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about, behind the actual sticks of dynamite and giant anvils falling on you from the sky.” – John Mulaney

 

“You should be able to say I don’t know. That should be an acceptable answer on a test.” – John Mulaney

 

“Do you want a salad or fries? That’s like asking, ‘Do you want to go for a jog or freebase cocaine?’” – John Mulaney

 

“I was once on the telephone with Blockbuster Video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence.” – John Mulaney

 

 

“I don’t look like someone who used to do anything. I look like I was just sitting in a room with a chair eating saltines for 28 years and then walked right out here.” – John Mulaney

 

“For those of you who don’t know what it is, blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep, but your body gets all ‘Eye of the Tiger’ and soldiers on.”

 

“When I’m walking down the street I don’t think anybody goes, ‘Hey look at that man’, they’re just like ‘Woah, that tall child looks terrible’.” 

 

“I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.” – John Mulaney

 

“Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the ’30s — as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.” – John Mulaney

 

“It’s 100% easier not to do things than to do them.”

 

“You have your law practice, and me, I have all these fucking markers.”

 

“If you are a school student, your opinion does not matter.”

 

“I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the king of stress that I am under.”

 

“Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the ’30s — as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you hd a 99% chance of getting away with it.”

 

“Girl Scout cookies are delicious! They come in Thin Mint and Samoa and also other flavors. How come I have to know a child in a beret to order them? Just sell me the cookies. I have American money. Just put them in a store and I’ll buy them.”

 

“Now I get to say, ‘my wife’ which is very exciting. It has a lot of power to it. It’s fun to say ‘my wife’.

 

“I was bullied when I was in school for being Asian-American. The biggest problem with that is that I’m not Asian-American.”

 

I’m looking forward to saying it a lot. ‘Get away from my wife!’ ‘No one talk to my wife!’ ‘I didn’t kill my wife!’.”

 

“I always thought that quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be. You watch cartoons and quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about, behind the actual sticks of dynamite and giant anvils falling on you from the sky.”

 

“It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of ‘Law & Order’ in my apartment.”

 

“Do you want a salad or fries? That’s like asking, ‘Do you want to go for a jog or freebase cocaine?’.”

 

“All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe seventy-five times. I still don’t understand it.”

 

“I was once on the phone with Blockbuster Video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence. That’s like when your Gram would be like, ‘We’d all go to play jacks by the side fountain.’ And you’re like, ‘Nobody knows what you’re talking about, you idiot’.”

 

“We’ve been pretty hot and heavy lately. I think it’s time we bring in two older Catholic people.”

 

“Late at night, on the street, women will see me as a threat. That is funny, yeah! It’s kind of flattering in its own way, but at the same time it’s weird because, like, I’m still afraid of being kidnapped.”

 

Best John Mulaney Quotes

 

“You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term.” – John Mulaney

 

“I’m a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment.” – John Mulaney

 

“I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.” – John Mulaney

 

“I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.” – John Mulaney

 

“You can’t always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit.” – John Mulaney

 

“13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you. They don’t even have to look at you long.” – John Mulaney

 

I am now gross. I am damp all the time. I am damp now and I will be damp later. Like the back of a dolphin, my back. The butt part of my pants is damp a lot. I don’t think it’s anything serious, but isn’t it, though? I’ll be in a restaurant and I’ll get up and be like, “What did I sit in?” And it was me.

 

My childhood was completely dominated by Bill Clinton and the OJ trial. I don’t think we had a family dinner where one didn’t come up.

 

All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it.

 

Comfort is everything. You start doing something and you want it to be perfect right away, but most babies are born ugly and then they shake it out and you get beautiful toddlers.

 

The world is run by computers. The world is run by robots and we spend most of our day telling them we’re not a robot just so we can log on and look at our own stuff. All day long. “May I see my stuff please?” “Ahhh, I smell a robot! Prove, prove, prove! Prove to me you’re not a robot! Look at these curvy letters. Much curvier than most letters, wouldn’t you say? No robot could ever read these. You look mortal, if ye be. You look and you type what you think you see! Is it an E or is it a 3? That’s up to ye. The passwords that passed, you correctly guessed, but now it’s time for the robot test! I’ve devised a question no robot could ever answer. Which of these pictures does not have a stop sign in it?” Fuckin’ what?!

 

“It is 100% easier not to do things than to do them, and so much fun not to do them–especially when you were supposed to do them. In terms of… like… instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.”

 

“Very muted claps for Xanax. You don’t really get “whoo” it’s more like “eeuuuyeaaaaah.””

 

I have friends I went to college with who say, “Aw, you should donate. Be a good alumnus.” And they wear shirts that say “School.” It’s like, look, if you’re an adult still giving money to your college, college is a $120,000 hooker and you are an idiot who fell in love with her. She’s not gonna do anything else for you. It’s done. In their letter, they were like, “Hey, it’s been awhile since you’ve given us money.” I was like, “Hey, it’s been awhile since you’ve housed and taught me.” I thought our transaction was over. I gave you $120,000 and you gave me a weird cinder-block room with a Reservoir Dogs poster on it and the first real heartbreak of my life and probably HPV and then we called it a day. Probably.

 

“You have an imagination, you have a movie theater in your mind that plays arguments! That you win!”

 

I was like 12 years old and my dad walked up to me and he said, “Hello. Hello, I’m Chip Mulaney, your father.” And he said the following: “You know Leonard Bernstein was one of the great composers and conductors of the 20th century, but sometimes, he would be gay. And according to a biography I read of him, when he was holding back the gay part, he did some of his best work.” Now, we don’t have time to unpack all of that. I don’t know if he was discouraging me from being gay or encouraging me to be a classical composer, but that is how he thought to phrase it to a 12-year-old boy. How would that ever work? Like, years later, I’d be in college, about to go down on some rockin’ twink and I’d be like, “Wait a second. What would Leonard Bernstein do?” I never talked to my dad about that, but I figured I’d tell all of you.

 

Nathan's Tummy

“I’ve been zoned out since 2014. I just–all day long–I wander into traffic. Walking like Charlie Chaplain while listening to a podcast while thinking about a different podcast.”

 

“I’ll keep all my emotions right here. And then one day I’ll die.” – John Mulaney

 

“You start doing something and you want it to be perfect right away, but most babies are born ugly and then they shake it out and you get beautiful toddlers.” – John Mulaney

 

“Going on the road for long stretches can seem daunting, and I certainly miss being home sometimes, but the chance to see so many different cities, let alone perform in them, is something I am really grateful for.” – John Mulaney

 

“Stand-up for me is just my opinions on things, so it wouldn’t be as fun translated into a sketch. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it.” – John Mulaney

 

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“I don’t make plans anymore. So I’m not living minute to minute.” – John Mulaney

 

“The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.” – John Mulaney

 

I can’t listen to any new songs. Because every new song is about how tonight is the night and we only have tonight. That is such 19-year-old horseshit. I want to write songs for people in their 30s called “Tonight’s No Good. How About Wednesday? Oh, You’re in Dallas Wednesday? Let’s Not See Each Other for Eight Months and It Doesn’t Matter at All.”

 

You might also like these hilarious Richard Pryor quotes highlighting some of his funniest and most controversial moments.

 

“I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun or, too. I’ve always enjoyed it. There’s just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.” – John Mulaney

 

“Irish people don’t want comfort. Look at a sweater made in Ireland. It’s like a turtleneck made out of Brillo pads.” – John Mulaney

 

“It’s 100% easier not to do things than to do them.” – John Mulaney

 

I’ll keep all my emotions right here. And then one day I’ll die.

 

“I had a producer tell me I couldn’t use the word midget because it was ‘worse than the n-word’… First off… No, it’s not. If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them, that’s the worse word.” – John Mulaney

 

“According to the Girl Scouts website you cannot buy Girl Scout cookies online. Do you know what you can buy online? Everything.” – John Mulaney

 

“You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.” – John Mulaney

 

“Girl Scout cookies are delicious! They come in Thin Mint and Samoa and also other flavors. How come I have to know a child in a beret to order them? Just sell me the cookies. I have American money. Just put them in a store and I’ll buy them.” – John Mulaney

 

“‘Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’’ You’re not allowed to milk a cow that you don’t own. That’s not even a situation. Was that a problem at one point?” – John Mulaney

 

“Email viruses bring people together in amazing ways.” – John Mulaney

 

Why do people shush animals? They’ve never spoken.

 

I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.

 

I’m a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment.

 

I never knew you were supposed to push off of your feet when you walked. And I tried it, and I walked much faster.

 

I was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table.

 

“Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting.” – John Mulaney

 

I’ll book a ticket on some garbage airline. I don’t wanna name an actual airline so lets make one up, lets just call it like Delta Airlines

 

The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.

 

Excuse me: I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS. I’m new in town.

 

I look back on being 17 and think, ‘Oh my God, how did I not die?

 

I’ll keep all my emotions right here. And then one day I’ll die.

 

It is 100% easier not to do things than to do them, and so much fun not to do them – especially when you were supposed to do them. In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

 

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I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.

 

You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term.

 

It’s nice when you’re nervous and everybody’s like, “Yeah, you should be nervous.” Because a lot of times you’re anxious and people say, “Relax. Shut up.” And that just feels like, Well, I guess I’m also crazy.

 

I just watched a ton of comedy and saw a ton of different styles, and eventually you think, ‘Oh, yeah, I could be like that.

 

I think for many of us – speaking for just a pocket of the country – we trusted Obama. So when you leave your baby with your mom to watch, you don’t run home and check the nanny cam. But now we’ve left the baby with Gary Busey, so we’re going to be a lot more on it.

 

I like to turn on the TV and watch whatever’s on. Nick Kroll does that a lot. He doesn’t watch important shows. He’ll just turn on a documentary on Mia Hamm and watch it for an hour. Whatever’s on, we watch.

 

I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I’ve always enjoyed it. There’s just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.

 

I kind of thought, wouldn’t it be funny to take a swing at being on the weird side of mainstream?

 

Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that’s awesome.

 

I plan to join the ‘SNL’ band as a maraca player and stand behind saxophonist Lenny Pickett. That way they will at least cut to me before commercial breaks. I’ll be sure to look right into camera.

 

I stopped drinking when I was 23. I kind of started when I was 13, so it was a 10-year run. But I just became a bad, annoying drunk child, so when I stopped, I’d done a lot of things I wasn’t proud of.

 

People having expectations maybe means they’ve enjoyed what I’ve done.

 

You can’t always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit.

 

I was new to acting on a stage in a narrative as opposed to acting on a stage as a stand-up. And like everything else it’s just like comfort level. The first time I did stand-up I was at a place called the B3 in New York on Third and Avenue B and I not only didn’t take the mic out of the stand, but I clutched the stand of the entire time.

 

Occasionally you get that one person that says “I really like that one part of this joke” and you go, “Oh thank you that’s my favorite part too.” But no, in order for it to be authentic hopefully you have jokes that everyone can just get on board with and then you have a few things for yourself.

 

Being president looks like the worst job in the world.

 

You all have a relative who is an expert even though they really don’t know what they’re talking about.

 

Nathan's Tummy

Stand-up for me is just my opinions on things, so it wouldn’t be as fun translated into a sketch. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it.

 

I’ve always believed that you often need less. You don’t need to hear why people are friends, you don’t need to hear why people are roommates, you don’t need to hear why someone would help a friend to do something.

 

Maybe I just have high self-esteem, but I have a lot that I really enjoy.

 

There are a lot of great jokes you can sit down and write, but that’s just a written joke, versus the comedy of the situation. Ideally, you’re pulling as much comedy out of the situation as you can.

 

As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don’t know, I just got quieter… With my friends, I was still an extrovert.

 

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I definitely look like a toddler. I feel comfortable and I have a lot of fun out there [John Mulaney Show]. And if I were to be extremely egotistical, I’d say I got a tiny bit better.

 

I really set out to do this traditional looking and traditional sounding multi-cam sitcom, but then make the world as elastic as an animated show could be. Make the world as surreal as we wanted it to be.

 

It’s important to remember that life is a joke and that outlook grants a lot of perspective, but I don’t think comedy should change and become political due to other things. It should just laugh at that cosmic joke that life is all the time.

 

I’m a very straightforward person. But that’s fine for a comedian. Because a lot of times you’re talking about everyone else.

 

I remember writing standup jokes without having done sets. But as soon as I did my first set, it didn’t matter. Everything I thought would work didn’t work. And everything I was iffy on was funny.

 

I also had Elliot Gould and Martin Short and Nasim Pedrad – let alone Zack Pearlman who is going to be a huge star, as is Seaton Smith – out there and I love writing for them and just sitting back and watching them be excellent. And when you are sitting across from Elliott Gould sharing a scene it just raises your game.

 

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It was funny to be an emcee, because you’re so at the mercy of the club. You can show up for the weekend hoping to get the $400 – and get fired. I had to prank whoever they told me to prank.

 

“The Doula” was and is a very, very special episode to me because I think it’s very funny and very weird and it also is 100 percent based on my life, in that I fainted three times during Sex Ed in real life the three different years.

 

In every case, I find pre-planning noble, but not always that useful in comedy. You know comedy once you’re doing it.

 

I wish I could go tell 12-year-old me like I don’t worry that you just fainted in front of all the girls, one day you’ll be able to make this into an episode of TV.

 

If I was at the Comedy Cellar at midnight you yelled at the back of the room. But you, for television, play it to the camera because yes you’re communicating to the people at home using the studio audience that’s right in front of you as a guide for that.

 

“I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.”

 

I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.

 

I like that idea that what I do might be mainstream. Might be.

 

The best-case scenario is everything goes perfect and smooth, but we’re also a new and weird show. So all my conversations were, “Hey last night didn’t go perfect but we kind of know what we’ve got in store for everybody episode-wise.

 

I do longer runs on things, a lot stories. I really like one-liners, I like a lot of different kinds of standup but I’ve always been long-winded.

 

Understudies don’t normally get invited to openings.

 

My standup persona is like I’ll heighten things, but I’m observing the world as it is in sort of a heightened emotional state.

 

I’ve done festivals in the past where I’d be a guest, it was like, Wow, maybe someday I could play Town Hall – but that’ll be a long way off. So it’s very exciting.

 

There’s jokes that I have in stand up that I wouldn’t try to put in, I would try to have someone just speak extemporaneously in the middle of a scene about an episode of “Law and Order” or something.

 

An episode that is near and dear to my heart is the entire cast in one room for the night because we get bed bugs in our apartment building so we have to stay with Martin Short.

 

Having done stand-up on television and in stand-up specials for like Comedy Central, you learn quickly that for that type of performance you’re playing to the camera.

 

Going on the road for long stretches can seem daunting, and I certainly miss being home sometimes, but the chance to see so many different cities, let alone perform in them, is something I am really grateful for.

 

If you are a school student, your opinion does not matter.

 

I quit drinking because I used to drink too much, then I would black out and I would ruin parties.

 

I never turn on the crowd. Sometimes, you think it’s a terrible show, and then afterward, sometimes people say they really liked it. So turning on the crowd is only going to alienate the few people who might like it.

 

Late at night, on the street, women will see me as a threat. That is funny, yeah! It’s kind of flattering in its own way, but at the same time, it’s weird because, like, I’m still afraid of being kidnapped.

 

If someone had written a review saying, ”Oh, Hello’ is stupid,’ we would have said, ‘Yeah, it is. You’re absolutely right.’ That people liked it was extremely cool. John Mulaney

 

It’s been very funny to try to act like an adult. Even getting dressed. Every day, I’m like, ‘Should I wear a blazer and walk around with an umbrella? Do I carry a briefcase?’ Because I’m trying to be some image of the adults I saw on TV growing up. John Mulaney

 

I like to pace onstage. John Mulaney

 

My dad is and was very funny and had a really dry sense of humor, which, as a kid, seemed un-fun. But in retrospect, it’s kind of hilarious. John Mulaney

 

I’m pretty self-critical about everything I’ve ever done: stand-up, ‘SNL.’ John Mulaney

 

Most open-mic experiences I had were okay. John Mulaney

 

Nick Kroll, A.D. Miles, Chelsea Peretti – those were the people I was always doing open mics with. John Mulaney

 

Sometimes I – with comedy, it’s like someone liking you in high school. They either do, or they don’t. And when they don’t, they don’t. And that’s it. There are no appeals. You show up, and you’re like, ‘Hi! I’m -‘ and you stumble, and they’re like, ‘It’s over.’ John Mulaney

 

I never turn on the crowd. Sometimes, you think it’s a terrible show, and then afterward, sometimes people say they really liked it. So turning on the crowd is only going to alienate the few people who might like it. What do I do in that situation? Get through it. John Mulaney

 

If something is very, very funny but possibly controversial, if it’s truly funny, then it’s worth doing. Things aren’t worth doing for the sake of being controversial. John Mulaney

 

I love comedians that dive into politics. I personally don’t feel comfortable, with my background, weighing in unless I have a take that I think is funny enough that I would put it in front of an audience. John Mulaney

 

Nathan's Tummy

When you have something that you did so many jobs on and were so front and center on, and then people dislike it, you want to learn lessons from it, and you want to move on, and you want to move on too fast. John Mulaney

 

It’s really fun to be writing and producing your own sketches. You almost have more control.

 

I had a lot of fun writing things that died during dress rehearsal. Sometimes I remember the crazy ones that died even more fondly than the ones that did really well.

 

My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you.

 

As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don’t know, I just got quieter With my friends, I was still an extrovert.

 

I have too many influences to name. I like a wide variety of stuff, which I think has been helpful. I liked every comedian I saw on TV growing up in the ’80s. Every comedian. John Mulaney

 

I have found that people who really want to work at ‘Saturday Night Live’ and pursue it get pretty close. You have to be funny – but everyone who works there, it was their dream to work there. So it’s kind of nice in that way – there’s a lot of people who say, ‘I just always wanted to do this, and now I’m doing it.’ John Mulaney

 

“I’m standing in the basement and I’m holding a red cup, you’ve seen movies. And I’m standing there holding a red cup and I’m starting to black out and I guess someone said like something something police. And in a brilliant moment of word association I yelled “F*** da police!” And everyone else joined in. A hundred drunk white children yelling f*** da police.

 

The difficulty of getting a movie made through a major studio is so extreme that when a movie comes out, everyone should give it four stars because it was accomplished. John Mulaney

 

Bill Clinton fascinates me because, at the time, it seemed like his shenanigans and the people after him were the biggest political stories you could ever imagine. I remember when the ‘Starr Report’ was published in the newspaper, all of us were reading it in the high-school cafeteria, and a dean started taking the newspapers away from us. John Mulaney

 

I have tons of jokes with moments in them over the years in stand-up that don’t get a laugh but I love them so they stay.

 

“Anyone who’s seen my dick and met my parents needs to die; I can’t have them roaming around.”

 

“I quit drinking because I used to drink too much, then I would black out and I would ruin parties.”

 

With the first episode [of John Mulaney Show] I tell a story that happened to me accidentally chasing a woman down the subway.

 

I don’t make plans anymore. So I’m not living minute to minute.

 

“In terms of like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.”

 

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“13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you. They don’t even have to look at you for long. They’ll just be like ‘Ha, ha, ha, ha hey look at the high waisted man. He got feminine hips’ And I’m like ‘No! That’s the thing I’m sensitive about’.”

 

“I don’t look older, I just look worse.”

 

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Bittenbinder came every year, with a program to teach us about the violent world just outside the school gym, and that program was called Street Smarts! It’s time for Street Smarts with Detective JJ Bittenbinder. Shut up, you’re all gonna die. Street Smarts! That was the general tone. He would give us tips to deal with crime. I will share some of the tips with you this evening. Okay, tip No. 1. Street Smarts! Let’s say a guy pulls a knife on you to mug you, because you remember the scourge of muggins when you were in second and third grade. “Man, I need cash for drugs right now. Maybe that 8-year-old with the goddamn Aladdin wallet that only has blank photo laminate pages in it will be able to help.” Let’s say a guy pulls a knife to mug you. What do you do? You go fumbling for your wallet and you go fumbling for your wallet. Well, in that split second, that’s when he’s gonna stab you. So here’s what you do. You kids get yourselves a money clip. You can get these at any haberdashery. You put a $50 dollar in the money clip. Then, when a guy flashes a blade, you go, “You want my money? Go get it!” Then you run the other direction. And our teachers were like, “Write that down.”

 

If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them [the n-word], that’s the worse word.

 

Things don’t exist until they exist.

 

“No Mr. Music is not okay he’s having a lot of trouble.”

 

“In terms of instant relief, cancelling plans is like heroin.”

 

“We started chanting, McDonald’s, McDonald’s, McDonald’s! And my dad pulled into the drive thru, and we started cheering and then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.”

 

I was just trying to blend the stand up that I do almost with like the visual sketch stuff that I did on “Saturday Night Live.” And so in terms of how elastic in the world is, we’ll see what we can get away with.

 

I played basketball for five years and I was a benchwarmer all five years. If you were never a benchwarmer, I cannot express to you the humiliation of every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away — then they’re just pants.

 

“I played basketball for five years and I was a benchwarmer all five years. If you were never a benchwarmer, I cannot express to you the humiliation of, every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away–they’re just pants.”

 

“Being president looks like the worst job in the world.”

 

“By 2029, I’ll be drinking moon juice with President Johnathan Taylor Thomas.”

 

“Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that’s awesome.”

 

“You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term.”

 

“You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.”

 

“I’ll book a ticket on some garbage airline. I don’t wanna name an actual airline so let’s make one up, let’s just call it like Delta Airlines.”

 

“My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you.”

 

“Irish people don’t want comfort. Look at a sweater made in Ireland. It’s like at turtleneck made out of Brillo pads.”

 

“Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting.”

 

“You remember being 12, when you’re like, ‘No one will look at me or I’ll kill myself’.”

 

“You can’t always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit.”

 

“If it’s something very, very funny but possibly controversial, if it’s truly funny, then it’s worth doing. Things aren’t worth doing for the sake of being controversial.

 

“I don’t make plans anymore. So I’m not living minute to minute.”

 

“I never knew you were supposed to push off of your feet when you walked. And I tried it, and I walked much faster.”

 

“I never knew you were supposed to push off of your feet when you walked. And I tried it, and I walked much faster.”

 

And now there’s Nazis again! When I was kid, Nazis was just an analogy you’d used to decimate your child during an argument at the dinner table. There’s new Nazis. I don’t care for these new Nazis and you can quote me on that. “Oh, Jews are the worst and Jews ruin everything and Jews try to take over your life.” It’s like, “You know what, motherfucker? My wife is Jewish. I know all that. How do you know all that?” I’m allowed to make fun of my wife. I asked her and she said yes.

 

“Email viruses bring people together in amazing ways.”

 

Nathan's Tummy

“In their letter they were like “hey, it’s been a while since you’ve given us money.” Hey, it’s been a while since you’ve housed and taught me.”

 

“I don’t look like someone who used to do anything. I look like I was just sitting in a room with a chair eating saltines for 28 years and then walked right out here.”

 

“8th graders will make fun of you, but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you.”

 

“Sometimes people would say “what do you think you’re doing?” But that just meant “stop.””

 

“It’s wrong to make fun of people but it’s so fun sometimes.”

 

“It’s like there’s a horse. Loose in a hospital.”

 

“And now there’s new Nazis! I don’t care for these new Nazis and you may quote me on that.”

 

“13 year olds are the meanest people in the world.”

 

Last November, the strangest thing happened. Now, I don’t know if you’ve been following the news, but I’ve been keeping my ears open and it seems like everyone everywhere is super mad about everything all the time. I try to stay optimistic, even though I must admit, things are getting pretty sticky. Here’s how I try to look at it and it’s just me. This guy being the president, it’s like there’s a horse loose in a hospital. It’s like there’s a horse loose in a hospital. I think eventually everything’s gonna be okay, but I have no idea what’s gonna happen next. And neither do you. And neither do your parents, because there’s a horse loose in the hospital. It’s never happened before. No one knows what the horse is gonna do next, least of all the horse. He’s never been in a hospital before. He’s just as confused as you are. There’s no experts. They try to find experts on the news. “We’re joined by a man who just saw a bird in the airport.” It’s like, get out of here with that shit. We’ve all seen a bird in the airport. This is a horse … loose in a hospital.

 

“I’ll keep all my emotions right here. And then one day, I’ll die.”

 

“It seems like everyone, everywhere, is super mad about everything, all the time.”

 

“When I walk down the street I need everybody, all day long, to like me so much. It’s exhausting.”

 

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“If you’re comparing the badness of two words, and you won’t even say one of them? That’s the worse word.”

 

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